When I set out to continuing with my surrender experiment — which includes staying off the grid, away from anything connected to my life post-Vision Quest- I assumed I would be experiencing and doing the same things. I thought it just needed a longer time.
I also thought my surrender experiment will be full of meditation, a lot of silent me-time, you know, like a spiritual retreat in a beautiful island or something like that.
Apparently, this surrender experiment is all about surrendering to life AT THE PRESENT MOMENT — which means, you just have to face whatever is coming to you, let it be and let yourself be.
Since December last year, after I was shown to extend my VQ to another year (I’m using the terms VQ and surrender experiment interchangeably here), I surrendered to the moment, day by day.
What happened one day was something really crazy. I don’t want to delve into the details but suffice to mention here that I was led to a place I have never been before. Because I was conscious and aware of my intention to only surrender to the moment, I gave no expectation or preference to what I would experience. I just moved according to where life brought me. So I was accepting and allowing whatever I was experiencing — both the positive and negative, internally and externally.
What I didn’t expect out of the 3-month experience was how some of my initial intentions — or prayer if you like — manifested out of this. It made me recall that I had earlier intended to have my body healed, becoming healthier and all intentions for my personal wellbeing and life directions most of which I had totally forgotten about as I embarked into this surrender experiment.
Let me share some of the surprises that came out for me so far:
(1) I lost 9kg within 3 months
By accident. Yes.
In 2020 when the covid-19 circuit breaker started in Singapore, I worked from home as usual but this time I ate A LOT and as a result, I gained 7kg. I did some exercises but I didn’t follow a strict routine because you know, I always used my responsibilites as a mom to excuse myself. ;-)
Through surrendering, I was led to people and eventually an environment I enjoyed so much that I had to climb, squat, walk, run, lift… basically moving my body up and down and around. Mind you, I had been avoiding such activities because I suffered from chronic back pain which had persisted for more than 10 years and had affected my joints to the point that I could no longer ride a bike. It led me to meet someone who taught me how to exercise properly and change my diet.
Sometimes you just need someone to look at you and tell you that your body just need a little bit work to be in perfect shape again. That itself can erase decades of belief that nothing can be done; that it’s too late to repair your body; that childbirths are to be blamed forever; that scars are permanent and what not. Suddenly your life is full of energy, hope and optimism again.
(2) My chronic back pain is no longer a pain
The pain has tremendously subsided and I can surprisingly do most of the things I had been avoiding due to this. Even though I’m not 100% perfectly physically strong yet, being able to just do the things I enjoy doing without worrying about breaking my back and joints is truly liberating.
I used to only be able to stand for 10–20 minutes before my back starts hurting. Now I can walk long distances for hours. I don’t mean to brag, okay.
(3) I let go of an old unresolved trauma that I never wanted to even remember
Also by accident.
I went through a very intense emotional pain. I only realised afterward that it was definitely an outcome of my initial intention to be emotionally enlightened. It came so unexpectedly. The experience was like being shot right into your chest and head at the same time to reveal all the demons that had been “nurturing” the wound and keeping it suppressed for decades — or perhaps for many lifetimes.
It took about three weeks for me to “recover” (causing more delays in my clearing works and the Letting Go programme I intended to start).
But when it was over, I realised it was a very very very old wound, the memory of which I had always brushed off, even after learning and teaching how to let go. I didn’t want to do the letting go because I really did not wish to feel the hurt again.
And so this incident happened to teach me in a very hard way, how to face the most hurtful point within myself, learn to accept it, and to let go; and why it must be done. It also helped me see clearly how this old hurt had manifested as an ailment in my body, affected my mind and hormones. I even found a very helpful physical remedy to overcome some pms symptoms — it has to be overcome so that any unprecedented emotional challenge won’t feel too unbearable if it happens around or during your period.
In my Conscious Surrendering and Letting Go course, I said that if you are not ready, you can choose not to let go at the moment; because even if you choose not to, you will eventually be led to attract events that will force you to face it and let it go. That’s exactly what happend to me. But now I’ll say, it’s BETTER to deliberately find the wound, and practice to let go because as far as I know, it won’t be as painful when it’s purposely and consciously done. :D
LESSONS
I have about 8 more months to go, but I’d love to share some of my personal insights and some lessons learned so far from this surrender experiment.
I have since the longest time been fascinated by some of Rumi’s quotes. After having gone through this experiment, I understood these quotes more deeply than ever:
- “Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.”
Do not brush off any old emotional wound or dismiss it as something belonging to the past. Look at it, attend to it. Do a Let Go. Because that’s where you will be lifted. Attending to your emotional wound, past traumas, emotional lack and needs, are all prerequisite to happiness and freedom.
Because I let myself feel the hurt, and let my body and mind react as it pleased, it revealed even more problems from within that I never knew the extent of their intensity until it happened.
But as it says “the wound is the place where the Light enters”, we tend to find solutions from the problem itself. For me, as a result of this, I learned more about the relationships between our hormones, menses, thought processes and unresolved emotional traumas, and, due to this understanding, I pursued more clearing and healing in this area.
2. “When inward tenderness finds the secret hurt, pain itself will crack the rock and Ah! let the soul emerge.”
Secret hurt is a deep wound. Something that keeps you hurting and hurtful OR something that keeps you busy protecting yourself from being hurt. It makes you fearful, it makes your emotional heart appear hard like a rock!
But there is always this pure and soft-heartedness within you. This is the “inward tenderness”. How does it crack the rock? By knocking your heart, till it breaks and cause you to feel the deepest pain.
And you may need to experience it again and again and again until your broken pieces of heart merge into one pure hearted soul.
3. You can only regain your health fully if you heal not just your mind and body but remove blockages to your soul too, which is primary and which is all rooted in unresolved emotions.
4. You won’t get healed if you resist your illness. You have to accept it first, embrace it, acknowledge it, welcome it, be grateful for it. If you keep wanting to get rid of it, it won’t go. Your ailment is just like a child who craves your attention; the more you ask it to leave, the more it will cling onto you. Just accept it and let it be, then move on with life like a normal healthy person.
5. Wait. Why be grateful for having an ailment? Because it’s a sign of spiritual growth, which always happens to souls who have intended to grow in consciousness.
That’s it for now. If you would like to join my Conscious Surrendering and Letting Go programme to learn how to let go and surrender, please opt in here and I’ll send you the details when it’s up. ❤
Oh, and if you like to read and reflect on more Rumi quotes, here is a brief and well-organised selection of 25 Life Changing Lessons to Learn from Rumi. :-)
